Foster is already 6 months old. 6.5 months as I write this actually. I’ve been wanting to write a blog post for a few months now to be really open and honest about my transition from one babe to two. I had NO IDEA IT WOULD BE THIS HARD. And, I really don’t feel like anyone talks about the struggles and the complete surprise that going from one to two makes! People said it’s hard, but I needed specifics! I didn’t realize the change it would really have on my relationship with Finley and the time we spent together would be so dramatically decreased. I didn’t realize when he needed me I would have to painstakingly tell him to “wait a moment” until I finished Foster’s bottle or was able to put her down.
When I first had Foster I kept going at my normal speed, until I literally crumbled. I think I was just going on adrenaline. But once the sleep deprivation settled in, and my help dwindled down (everyone came over a lot when I first had her to help), it got REAL, really quick! When I’ve spoken to a few of my friends that have two or more, they totally agree and understand. But no one talks OPENLY about it finding your new groove and sharing time between the two, and still finding time for yourself. My friends that have only one child cannot understand, even if they wanted to. I couldn’t understand before. I was at a point with Finley that it was EASY. Dare I say it! I have an easy toddler most days. (I know, I’m in for it now that I put this into the universe). We went everywhere together-brunch, errands, trips alone, even to “work” with me, shooting etc. Matthew and I always knew we wanted more than one and were ready for Foster for sure, but I was not ready for the change two brought, and definitely not ready for only two hands when both of the babies needed me at the same time. It really brought me to my knees and humbled me. I just feel like now at 6 months I’m breathing again. Now, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Foster more than anything and she is the sweetest babe! I don’t know how I got so lucky TWICE! I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining at all, but I was just really not ready for the emotional, guilt ridden path I was thrown into. Foster didn’t sleep through the night until 6 months (also why I’m breathing again!) while I sleep trained Finley at 3.5 months. I was literally drowning. How do moms go 7, 8, 12 months without sleeping? Cheers to you really, I don’t know how you do it.
She is the absolute sweetest babe
I was starting to go crazy
At about 4.5 months I really started to think I was not doing ok. Mentally. I was not ok. And I was so glad that I realized it and could admit it. I looked at my husband and said “I am not ok. I need sleep and I need to talk to someone.” When you just have one child, you can rest and sleep (not that I did so much sleeping really) when they do, but when you have two or more you are constantly on, and that is what I found so challenging at first. When Foster napped I wanted to spend my time with Finley because I felt so guilty that his world had changed and all my attention was no longer on him! I really needed to be resting for my mental help, but I could not let myself when his sweet face asked me to play or watch a show with him. So I scheduled with a therapist that week and got in the week after. I paid $250 to literally sit in this woman’s office with Foster to cry. Literal tears of exhaustion I cried in her office for an hour. (She insisted she hold Foster the entire time. I wonder why?!). It did feel better to let it all out, but I knew I really just needed sleep. Studied have shown that moderate sleep deprivation produces impairments equivalent to those of alcohol intoxication. How is this ok?! I knew I had to just get to a point where I could sleep train Foster with success and I would be in the clear. We made a plan to switch off sleeping with my husband on the weekends to get me by in the mean time.
My husband helps so much at night and on the weekends too!
Other problems
Besides for sleep I found it super hard to keep my house the way it used to look as far as organized and picked up. We had all baby toys out now as well as Finley’s and whenever the kids would sleep (opposite naps of course) I ran around like a wild woman trying to pick up everything, hence never resting. I cannot sit down if I can see a mess. When I wasn’t cleaning I was trying to work on my phone and computer or cook or do laundry. Now I do have help and I’m the first one to admit it. I have someone twice a week that helps clean my home, but there is still SO MUCH MORE to be done the rest of the days. When I told the therapist this she told me right away, I put way too much on my plate, and my expectations are way too high. Easy to say, what do you do about it? Then she said something that I’ll always remember-“Rebekah, you are living your version of perfection. Your house doesn’t have to be perfect. Your family is perfect and your kids are perfect.” It hit me like a ton of bricks. Now, that doesn’t clean my house, or make dinner for my husband, but it puts it perfectly into perspective. When I start to feel overwhelmed I just remember those words. Because really and truly my time with my babies is what matters. Not that my house was all picked up. No one will remember that. What we will remember is the precious moments I get to spend with my babies and really being present, not thinking about all the e-mails I needed to write. So right then and there I decided that if I was going to make this a part of our life I needed to cut back on a lot that I was doing.
What I did to change it
I decided to stay home on Tuesdays and Thursdays (for the most part) with the kids and just not put too much on my plate. I like to be super busy and always make plans so I can do make a plan to not make plans! If I did make plans then we were all getting ready, rushing around, trying to get in Foster’s nap, stuffing breakfast down our throats to get out the door. I would have to spend Foster’s nap getting ready instead of spending one on one time with Finley or catching up at home. Now that we stay home more, we don’t have to spend time getting ready and we can eat breakfast together, I can answer e-mails during nap times and get other things done as well like cooking and straightening up.
I stopped making plans on most Sundays and left that day to get ready for the week because my husband was home and could help as well. I have groceries complete, meal planning and prepping (we cook for about three days at a time and pyrex everything), baby food making, laundry catching up and just life organizing done on this day. We would also make time for exercising as a family too if possible which always makes me feel better.
My husband and I take our calendars out each Sunday and talk about the whole week together, what we have planned etc. I also started looking at the month as a whole, and organizing girl’s nights, date nights and even guy’s nights for my husband from the start of the month so everyone gets time alone and we get time together and can line up babysitters. This has worked amazingly well. Date night is a priority, and when we review the month together we can see if we are too busy, or have missed something on one another’s calendars.
I just had to learn to stop stressing. If my inbox was full of e-mails I just had to do it later, when my husband came home. I am still trying to figure this one out, because now I need more time with my husband but….I’m trying!
I read this book thanks to my friend Jessica, who ALWAYS keeps it real and is so encouraging. This book changed my life.
When I was still trying to do too much! I took Foster to dinner with sweet Hilary and the girls because I was not going to miss it! We met Hilary in Charleston and instantly became friends!